Okay this couldn’t really get an more basic but sitting here thinking about what I am genuinely grateful for this week, the first thing that came to mind was ASOS. I know right? How superficial/capitalist/materialistic etc. etc. Yep: totally true, but sadly I must admit I am a total addict. This is all thanks in the main to my future sister-in-law, who first introduced me to the alien concept of spending a million pounds on clothes that you have no intention of actually keeping (the best of intentions don’t always follow through: more on that later). At the time, I thought “how indulgent”, “how millennial”, “how risky – what if you can’t send it back?!” but after the thrill of that first black and white package landing on my doorstep mere hours after I had placed my order (ASOS Premier dahling), I was hooked.
Of course there are lots of websites that offer next day delivery and free returns, but ASOS is the one, ASOS is the ULTIMATE. Whether you want a pair of Nike trainers, a bridesmaid dress, a denim pinafore (I have a friend who recently ordered about nine different options), or a dinosaur tail (yes, really), you will find it on ASOS. There is so much choice, it’s quite possible to accidentally lose four hours just browsing through the dresses, and I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone who happened to have the same item as me. In fact, it’s more likely that you will find yourself desperately trying to hide your jealousy when confronted with the answer “oh, it’s just from ASOS” (happens with my sister-in-law 99% of the time. Why didn’t I see those jeans on there?! How did you find that jumper?!). There’s a never-ending supply of covetable items, and hey – they can be in your sticky little hands within twenty four hours. We are living in the future, baby.
It is highly unlikely that I would walk into any high street shop and sink £150 on unnecessary clothing (I actually tried to yesterday, but then I remembered Westfield at the weekend is hell), but shut your eyes and transform the process to 11pm on a boring Monday night in your pyjamas, and before you know it: “Thank you for your order!”. I’m an absolute sucker for a bit of retail therapy: if I’m having a bad day or feeling rubbish, knowing that there’s a package of goodness winging it’s way to me is guaranteed to cheer me up. #singlelife
Of course we should also discuss the disappointment factor. Some ASOS clothing is cheap, and some of it is weird. We’ve all been there: it looked amazing on the model, you pictured yourself marching around town like one of the women from the opening credits of The Devil Wears Prada; perhaps you’d meet your future husband wearing it… but alas, in the cold light of day, removed from it’s cellophane bag, it looks like a creased up old potato sack that you bought in the pound shop. And you are the potatoes. It’s okay, it happens. But what’s the alternative? Keeping your £150 of clothes like a guilty secret, that’s what. Not acceptable! It has to be this way, because nobody has a wardrobe (or a wallet) that big.
The trouble is, sometimes you do have one of those golden, once-in-a-lifetime situations; you’ve tried it all on, you’ve sent selfies to your friends, and EVERYTHING looks great. The other trouble is, that’s how I ended up with a black chiffon dress with a minute waist and a split right up to the thigh. Not too much cause to wear that in my daily commute-to-work-and-come-home kind of life. But it seemed too good to send back (and my Dad didn’t like it, which was an automatic obstinate child trigger) and it has languished at the bottom of my wardrobe ever since.
We all know online spending isn’t real: it’s too quick and simple, you don’t see the cash, and nobody asks you if you’d like a 5p carrier bag. But sometimes enough is enough and things have to go back. Self control, people! But also, YOLO. I say if you want it, order it (told you I’m a total sucker): by the process of natural selection I’m sure only half of it will really look like you wanted it to anyway.
For Hazel, for being the best kind of bad influence.
P.S. I’m not sponsored by ASOS. If only!